This is a weird one. I realised it was high-time that I made another entry, and when I logged onto the site I came across the following post which I had written a while back, but saved as an unpublished draft. It’s fairly interesting (I hope) and I like the weird time-travel-esque notion of posting something that I wrote in the past about things that have now happened. So, some of this has already been written. Some of it is yet to pass. And now I sound like frickin’ Galadriel. Shut up.
This post isn’t for you.
That might seem like a strange way to start a blog post; after all, blogs are meant to be read. That’s the point of them, isn’t it? The reason that I say that this post isn’t for you is that I feel the need to talk to myself, because I need a good talking to. Someone needs to have a glass half-empty/full chat with me, and the best person I figure to do this is probably me, as if I ask anyone else to do it, they will probably scratch their heads and wonder what I am worried about.
When I think about it, there is no getting away from the fact that this year has been pretty darn good (don’t panic, I am not going to recount it all again). Trouble is, I’m secretly deeply insecure about this acting lark, and have recently become concerned that it’s just not happening.
Now, I know that I have been fortunate, and am probably being impatient. Someone once said to me that I would never be happy unless I was acting, and in a way I think that they are right – if I don’t have acting projects on the go, I feel listless and unfulfilled, but I wouldn’t say unhappy. What’s worrying me at the moment is that now, just having acting projects on the go is not enough. I have a busy July coming up – I am shooting a teaser trailer for Dan, the director of Serial Kaller, for a funding pitch for a new movie, and I am very excited that I landed the lead role in Bloom, a festival-bound short film that, while unpaid, is absolutely amazing showreel material and very different to what I have done before. On top of all that, I am being paid (paid!) to go on a cruise for five days this weekend by the puppetry company I am very lucky to work for and have more work coming up with them later in the month. But I really feel that I am stuck on a certain level, and if I don’t level up soon, I never will.
Ok, we’re back in the now…..now.
So I wrote this about two months ago, and what is interesting for me is that I feel exactly the same way as I did then. I’ve done Bloom, which I was really pleased with, and the funding pitch trailer (not so pleased about), and been on the cruise (which was amazing). I’ve also just got my hands on the footage from Serial Kaller and, while I am pleased with some of it, I am pretty disappointed with my performance over all – I could have done better. I’ve also finally had the footage back from the corporate short I did a while back, and wasn’t that pleased with that either. My showreel is finally done and – maybe you’ve anticipated this – I don’t really think it’s good enough. Or maybe it is, I dunno. The truth of the matter is, I am having a massive crisis of confidence, and for the first time I am questioning whether I am good enough to make it.
Admittedly, and trying to keep things in perspective, I think I got fairly shafted by some shots/angles in some of my best scenes from SK, and the corporate film got butchered by the client and ended up a bit of a mess. I am not being ‘all about me’ or trying to pass the buck for a below-par performance; I think that there’s an important lesson to be learned here – being a diva isn’t necessarily a negative thing. If you think a scene can be improved by suggesting something, but you happen to be in it and so you don’t say anything for fear that you’ll be branded a twatty actor, well that’s just counter-productive. Certainly I felt on the shoot that there were a few occasions where I questioned to myself why a close-up wasn’t being done, or why we weren’t shooting from an alternative angle, but I didn’t say anything. I know largely this was to do with time constraints, but if I had insisted, my performance would have translated better onto screen, and the movie would have been better. That’s not being a diva. That’s being a good performer. I need to bear this in mind in future. I think, so far, I have been a little too much of a nice guy on set. That’s not to suggest that I am going to start acting like a dick for the sake of it, of course not. But maybe a little more assertive and more focussed – I am there to do a job, and not make friends, after all.
So anyway, back to my little bleat about not being good enough. My personal life is a bit of a mess at the moment too, and my foundations have been rocked a little – well, quite alot actually. I have recently lost someone that I was close to, and there’s more going on which I won’t divulge, but I feeling pretty beaten and bewildered at the moment anyway, so maybe now is not the time for piling more pressure on myself. But as it stands, I feel at a bit of a crossroads. At the moment, I just want a quiet life and am not sure I am on the right path any more.
Time will tell, I suppose